Thoughts of a Violinist Giraffe

Help me. Please, just help me. I can't sleep. I can't breathe. All I see in my mind is you and all I can do is hope to God that I haven't yet ruined what we have with the stupid words I've helped myself to this time around. Tell me we'll be fine - not with words, goodness no. I want to see it in your eyes, in the way you hold my hand, or how you lay your head on my shoulders. But it seems I'm just going to ruin it again this time. I'm not ok. What I'm doing to myself isn't fun for me. Maybe I should cuff my hands, keep myself away from you and hope that things will resolve itself. But that never really works, does it? Maybe I shouldn't have let myself believe that I'm loving you this way. I need a miracle right now - I want to stop ruining what seems to have been working out so well. Can't anyone tell me how to mend this relationship that's fraying at the seams? Maybe I just need some time alone. I need...

It seems the only time I'm here is when I'm elated in love or when I'm heavily heartbroken. That, or extremely frustrated in the realms of romance. Today, I feel like it's a bit of heartbreak and frustration. I've just recently gotten into a rather nice relationship - it's fresh, new, and will most likely be an unforgettable experience as I look back on it. But as of now, I'm starting to feel like I'm purposely sabotaging my own relationship. Every evening I end up saying something I really shouldn't, and we part ways with our heads looking down and our eyebrows furrowed. Communication is scarce. But somehow there's something that reminds us of what's there and we keep going. And yet again I seem to ruin it with my words. What am I doing to this relationship? Is there something going on in my head that's making me seemingly wreck the relationship almost on purpose? Why do I insist on saying the most insensitive things, without consid...

" And Suddenly " And suddenly, she enters my dreams. No gradual insertion, no time to adapt to this simple and clean existence that throws itself into my life so readily. It was no effort to her at all, as though she knew how to throw off my sense of control. I keep thinking that it couldn't possibly happen the way it's happening now. How did she invade every waking thought? I wander in my thoughts and how I love to get lost: her teasing smile, her gleaming, curious eyes, the words she sighs. Why do I want her so desperately? I don't even know what she knows, thinks, or sees when she looks at the world from this mortal seat. I want no passing fancy. If I could I'd share with her my dreams. And maybe she'd share hers with me. I wonder what it must be like to be linked so romantically? August 5, 2012 ~~~~~ " This Girl " Who is this girl that comes along so unexpectedly? How did she come to be the essence of every...

Certain things in life can lead you to come to some very startling – or not so startling – truths about yourself, about others, or about life in general (heh, “General Life”). Often, these things are not pre-orchestrated or coordinated; you just happen to be at the right time and place to experience it. But sometimes, coordinated activities or events bring out these epiphanies in such shocking clarity you can’t help but wonder if this is part of the coordinator’s plans from the get-go. To be honest, I really wouldn’t blame you if you thought that way – I know for a fact I thought so when I attended the KKP Community-Building event on July 29, 2012, in Mapawa Nature Park. It all seemed rather typical – activities revolved around their goals as a group as well as in their efforts to build bonds between volunteer members. We discussed, we talked, danced, sang, ate, and had more fun than was normal in a regular work-week. But that’s not what got me seeing things clearer than the guy sin...

I'm losing feeling somewhere deep down  in the pit of this heart - below the water, cold and abrasive. The diamond-shine of this shard falls further down, covered in frost. All I do is watch it sink into a dark, awful abyss. There is no raw feeling, no awareness that  I've lost out  somehow... I hear the heart beating, at first passionate and quick - now fearful and subdued. What is this I'm seeing, this murky mirror in the pit that laughs and scorns me? I look up and see - nothing. No thought passes by, no shudder or sigh, just nothing. I've lost feeling.

There lives a storm raging, continually changing, expanding and taking all it sees in the deepest recesses of my soul. It twists and writhes over seas, over mountains, over every thing that breathes and reaches out of me. The slightest detail on my face is read to mean the curious thing beneath the surface. So close, outsider, observer... You're so close but you're a little more than off. Don't try harder, don't get caught in the storm that rages in my heart.

I'm cold on this side of the mountain side. Though I climb, I can't decide I can't decide whether to climb or to hide my feelings away on this mountain side. I'm too scared to look over the sky-high, snow-covered top. Should I move slower move slower just to find if it's alright to shine or cover away these feelings I harbor. Here I am just wondering. Here I am, blundering away - my anxieties eating away every bit of me that is, in some way more sure, more confident in what to do. What do I do?

I stumbled upon Chris Brown's new piece, "Turn Up the Music" - in particular, his remix with Rihanna. It has a quality that is dance-worthy and not entirely a guilty pleasure to listen to, as musically speaking, it hits the mark in terms of replayability and addictiveness. Although I must say, it's somewhat surprising that he could even do a collaboration with Rihanna, what with what happened almost four years ago - but time passes and time heals all wounds, hopefully. The song has absolutely raw energy to it, and the lyrics reflect this - it is minimal in theme and focuses entirely on the energy formulated by the beat and the near-dark melody. There is a haunting sort of quality to it that shows most definitely in the music video - masks and costumes are frequently worn, with a smattering of "regularly" dressed people among them. The shining moments and most impressionable are the dance sequences; Chris Brown pulls off a near Michael-Jackson edge and per...

I guess there's always that one girl whom you think is "the one" but really isn't. To think that ten-plus years of lingering affection and failure on my end of the situation would have taught me something by now. But then again, I'm speaking while staring at the end of a metaphorical end of a beer glass (which would amount to endless tracks of Backstreet Boys while feeling excessively sorry for myself). It's a rather depressing picture, now that I think about it. To be fair, it's not like looking for "the one" is my one and only dream or aspiration in life. How horrifying would it be if I had just that one "dream" to hold on to, only to have it shattered over and over as time goes by? No, I have other dreams. Somehow, though, it all seems so irrelevant when under the right circumstances and feelings of inadequacy. When you're in that sort of moment, everything just seems out of place and wrong. It's an addiction, falling ba...

I feel like a madman. I feel anxious and with so many thoughts flying by so quickly I can do nothing to preserve them. I guess this is how I feel when I'm upset. I've never really considered how to cope with being upset - often I write, or do something somewhat productive. But always, there's something in the back of my head that tells me "I need to talk to someone. I want to talk to someone", as though it is the only viable outlet to utilize. But once I find a way to deal with my anxiety, with my being upset - what-have-you - the feeling somewhat goes away. It lingers, but it slowly fades... And I guess you can say I'm feeling this way right now. Once again, the nagging feeling, the almost near-panic of needing to talk to someone , anyone , starts to fade... but I guess it'll just build up 'til I burst and go into mental break-down. Which has happened to me at least once, but I doubt anyone really noticed - I was  in my room with the door locked,...

I'm good at driving through memory lane. Everyone knows me by name. I wink and smile and ask how everything is going with everyone I pass by languidly. But I'm still stuck in the present. It doesn't matter how many times I go back. It's something I've come to resent. What does it matter? The issue's with me. I'm too busy keeping static, how I end up being so seemingly nonexistent to everyone else. Watch them move forward, sure and steady steps to a better present and a better self. How I wish I could do that myself. I let the work take me away again, my body at work, my mind turning a bend back to memory lane. So predictable, I always act the same. And yet here I am in the present. Why should I bother looking back? It's something I've come to resent. And what does it matter? It's no longer part of me. And yet I'm too busy keeping static, how I end up being so seemingly nonexistent to ...