I don't believe...

-
How do you explain that feeling where you consciously realize that you're letting yourself open up bit by bit only to find that the cold harsh reality forces you to close it up again? How do I reconcile myself to the fact that the moment I open up, I only scar and break what's already been broken so many times before? What do I do to remedy all this? Why do I allow myself to be sucked into my own diluted mess? What is it about me and emotional disaster? Why do I ruin lives?

I can't seem to understand at all, or why I bother. Were I to open myself again in the future, what will keep it from being broken, torn, and beaten again? What if this is all I have for me?

It appears circumstances hold me in a vice-grip that I just can't escape from; a set of circumstances I've unwillingly allowed myself to get into. I know things all eventually end, so why do I insist on going for something that may never be? And yet, when I insist and try, it brings me only pain to see that my efforts will soon go nowhere. Nothing hurts more than effort and hope that has been dashed and thrown to the wayside. But why would I have such things dashed? If only I hadn't opened up, I wouldn't feel this fresh pain again.

How long has it been since I've last felt this way? It's been a long time, really. But it's only through the pain that I learn to live the way I should live. God knows what'll happen to all this, but it is I that chooses and faces the consequences. All God can do is guide me to the most appropriate choice.

So I ask God now: please, show me the best way to minimize the pain for us. I don't want this to go on if it will only pain us both in the end. But... God's will be done.

I admit defeat. I've dug my own grave, and this is how it's going to be...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sweet Medicine

-
So I've heard that the difference between poison and medicine is in the dose.      I've also heard that food should be our medicine, the front lines against disease.    I've also  heard                          (bear with me) that the quickest way to a man's heart           is through his belly. Let's put aside the obvious      problems glaring at us            with glowing,              unsettling eyes - of the literal relationship of constant ingestion of meaty, fatty proteins and heart disease - and let's just sit back, relax: take this     on a more abstract level. Her words & actions        were saccharine: thick dollops of gelato filling a generously large bowl. It took more than a few years to finish, but I got throu...
Read more

Because...

-
Image
Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality. We slowly drove, he knew no haste, And I had put away My labour, and my leisure too, For his civility. We passed the school where children played At wrestling in a ring; We passed the fields of gazing grain, We passed the setting sun. We paused before a house that seemed A swelling of the ground; The roof was scarecely visible, The cornice but a mound. Since then 'tis centuries; but each Feels shorter than the day I first surmised the horses' heads Were toward eternity. Emily Dickinson "Because I could Not Stop for Death..." I stated in an earlier post that I'd venture into poetry - I never said I'd take another's. But this isn't a poetry post - this is one of those kind-of-essays. I have just recently been given the news of the passing of my grandmother on my mother's side. It's hard enough to deal with a relative's dea...
Read more

But Whatever Do You Mean?

-
Her mind was reeling, in a state of retropulsion, as though stepping - no, leaping  back would save her from dwelling on the implications of what just happened. The enemy - so-called -             called for truce,      even friendship. She has known him these past three years and not once has he made any indication of backing down. His sense of pride, like a wall, didn't allow the very idea to enter through the gates. And yet now, when she chances upon him in the streets, all she sees on his face is bewilderment,              even confusion. When he chances upon her,                        his eyes fill with anger - but does she see a hint of embarrassment, dancing in the corners? Her curiosity is getting the better of her -                     she demands him, upon...
Read more