Tick the numbers off.

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I should tick off some sort of mark on a journal of a sort whenever I become disappointed in the romance department. When there comes a time I start to be a little expectant of better things to come, I can always look at the number of ticks on my journal of sorts and remind myself that nothing works the way I expect it to. Never seems to do so - would it be right to call it "growing pains"? I'm not exactly morose over my disappointed expectations but then again, I'm not exactly jolly about it either. I just feel... tired. Tired of seeing the same thing happen. Tired of finding myself disappointed yet again. Tired of looking back and just seeing disappointment. Tired. I'm just tired.

I don't want to be tired again. I want to be jubilant, I want to be ecstatic, flying to heaven. I want to share the love. But I guess I'll just grow tired again.

I can't trust my feelings, I know that, but ... just this once, can't someone feel just as hopeful, just as expectant of better things to come as I? Is it so much to ask? Can't I meet a girl that'll look at me and think that I just might be that one person she's been waiting for? Hoping for? Praying for?

I want to stop ticking the numbers off. I want to stop feeling so tired and drained. I don't want to look at the future with a mask of mirth and playfulness. I want to stop wearing this mask and have someone willing to accept my ever changing self.

Dear Heavenly Father, is it not yet my time? Am I still too young? When will I know? How will I know that I've finally found someone who'll care about me with the same passion and grace as I am yearning to give? When will the day come that I no longer need to talk about my singleness to You? I know You regard singleness as a blessing, and I understand that, but if I yearn so much to share life's journey, why has no one come to share it with me? Am I looking in all the wrong places?

When will it be my time?

When will I stop ticking away my disappointments?

Show me - no, fill my heart with Your love. Take it and let it be - You know what's best. Help me to grow in maturity. I hold onto You with faith. Guide me. Help me. There is no one else who can do it for me. Take me and use me as You will.

But you know Lord... I won't stop asking these questions in the midst of disappointment. Let me know, when You're ready to show me, that there really is someone who wants to share life's journey with me.

Time will only tell when that will come... but it will come. In time.

For now, I'll tick the numbers off... let me find a way to cheer myself up.

Comments

  1. Ifinder Ifindi March 24, 2011 at 2:38 AM

    Well. YOU are not alone. Past is past. Be Cheer up. Woke up. Thank you for sharing and with Best Wishes.

    ReplyDelete

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