Thoughts of a Violinist Giraffe

This upsets me more than you know. Upsets me more than you know so let me out. Just let me out. I can't stop myself from screaming out awkward nonexisting obscenities at the wall. I'm gonna fall. And it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt so bad. Just let me talk it out. Just let it ring on out now. I'm telling you I'm running out. I'm running out of here so don't stop me. Just don't stop me. There's no way out but the steps that I take are showing a way back to what back to what I believe is right. And I'm feeling better now. I'm feeling better now. Just let me scream it out. Just let it ring on out now. This upsets me more than you know. Upsets me more than you know so let me out. Just let me out and find it out. ~~~~~~~~~~ A need to run away and find what made life so beautiful. I wonder how I'll use this.

It was the simplest break-up one could possibly have. Quiet too. No real lash-outs, no angry confrontations that end in equally passionate embraces - or smoldering hatred as both parties leave. There was none of that. It was just me, after the message has been sent, fighting with my own emotions. The doubts that haunted me in the relationship are gone - only to be replaced by increasing frustrations: what do I do now; is there anyone who is worth it; am I willing to wait. Question after question hounds upon me. There are no answers, not yet. The future is nice enough but somehow, I'm too impatient to wait for it. I look back on the message I've sent - explaining, imploring, and going into great detail as to why I am making the decision - have made  the decision. The way she replied, I may as well have just said "It's over", and go on our merry ways. But I can't just do that - I needed to explain, and I did, to the best of my ability. And now I'm...

Help me. Please, just help me. I can't sleep. I can't breathe. All I see in my mind is you and all I can do is hope to God that I haven't yet ruined what we have with the stupid words I've helped myself to this time around. Tell me we'll be fine - not with words, goodness no. I want to see it in your eyes, in the way you hold my hand, or how you lay your head on my shoulders. But it seems I'm just going to ruin it again this time. I'm not ok. What I'm doing to myself isn't fun for me. Maybe I should cuff my hands, keep myself away from you and hope that things will resolve itself. But that never really works, does it? Maybe I shouldn't have let myself believe that I'm loving you this way. I need a miracle right now - I want to stop ruining what seems to have been working out so well. Can't anyone tell me how to mend this relationship that's fraying at the seams? Maybe I just need some time alone. I need...

It seems the only time I'm here is when I'm elated in love or when I'm heavily heartbroken. That, or extremely frustrated in the realms of romance. Today, I feel like it's a bit of heartbreak and frustration. I've just recently gotten into a rather nice relationship - it's fresh, new, and will most likely be an unforgettable experience as I look back on it. But as of now, I'm starting to feel like I'm purposely sabotaging my own relationship. Every evening I end up saying something I really shouldn't, and we part ways with our heads looking down and our eyebrows furrowed. Communication is scarce. But somehow there's something that reminds us of what's there and we keep going. And yet again I seem to ruin it with my words. What am I doing to this relationship? Is there something going on in my head that's making me seemingly wreck the relationship almost on purpose? Why do I insist on saying the most insensitive things, without consid...

" And Suddenly " And suddenly, she enters my dreams. No gradual insertion, no time to adapt to this simple and clean existence that throws itself into my life so readily. It was no effort to her at all, as though she knew how to throw off my sense of control. I keep thinking that it couldn't possibly happen the way it's happening now. How did she invade every waking thought? I wander in my thoughts and how I love to get lost: her teasing smile, her gleaming, curious eyes, the words she sighs. Why do I want her so desperately? I don't even know what she knows, thinks, or sees when she looks at the world from this mortal seat. I want no passing fancy. If I could I'd share with her my dreams. And maybe she'd share hers with me. I wonder what it must be like to be linked so romantically? August 5, 2012 ~~~~~ " This Girl " Who is this girl that comes along so unexpectedly? How did she come to be the essence of every...

Certain things in life can lead you to come to some very startling – or not so startling – truths about yourself, about others, or about life in general (heh, “General Life”). Often, these things are not pre-orchestrated or coordinated; you just happen to be at the right time and place to experience it. But sometimes, coordinated activities or events bring out these epiphanies in such shocking clarity you can’t help but wonder if this is part of the coordinator’s plans from the get-go. To be honest, I really wouldn’t blame you if you thought that way – I know for a fact I thought so when I attended the KKP Community-Building event on July 29, 2012, in Mapawa Nature Park. It all seemed rather typical – activities revolved around their goals as a group as well as in their efforts to build bonds between volunteer members. We discussed, we talked, danced, sang, ate, and had more fun than was normal in a regular work-week. But that’s not what got me seeing things clearer than the guy sin...

I'm losing feeling somewhere deep down  in the pit of this heart - below the water, cold and abrasive. The diamond-shine of this shard falls further down, covered in frost. All I do is watch it sink into a dark, awful abyss. There is no raw feeling, no awareness that  I've lost out  somehow... I hear the heart beating, at first passionate and quick - now fearful and subdued. What is this I'm seeing, this murky mirror in the pit that laughs and scorns me? I look up and see - nothing. No thought passes by, no shudder or sigh, just nothing. I've lost feeling.